Some scenes

For some reason or another, my blogging efforts have been thwarted very effectively by various things going on in my life these days. Lest you all wander off to some frequently-updated, high-quality, amusing blog, I'll toss out some pictures in the hopes of dragging you a long a bit more.

I wonder what time it is?



These streets are a bit tough for birds...

A few images

We decided to take a jaunt down to Sidon yesterday, and here are the pictures to prove it.

While getting bonus points for creativity, this is the least jolly Christmas tree I have ever seen. The way all the lights droop and bunch up in the center makes it look sickly to me. Maybe if they were woven into the rings...



In addition, there is that lesser-known Lebanese monument, the leaning minaret of Sidon...



Although not as interesting as the architectural wonders, the interest from the audience on my last post about certain Lebanese menu items led me to post these pictures of the meat department in the local souk. Yum.

The Cow economy

OK, so this originally came to my attention as an email forward, which I generally find pestilential, but this time it was quite funny:

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN EGYPTIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are voting for Mubarak.

Adventures in eating

One of the things I really enjoy about traveling around the word is trying out new foods. I often like to order something I’m totally unfamiliar with just to experience it. For the adventurous, here is a picture of the menu in a little corner fast food place that I really like.



Admittedly, the ‘Engrish’ here is pretty amusing. However, the main point is the mix of familiar and unfamiliar food items. Before getting too carried away though, it helps to know how far you are willing to go in dietary experimentation. A quick look around the shop shows that one of those menu items will lead you to eat a brain-on-a-bun.



Hmmmm, braaaains…

No men allowed

When we were trying to decide whether or not to move to Beirut, my wife and I listened to this story on NPR about a women only beach in Beirut. This isn’t the same beach in the story, but I found it interesting.

Up on the housetops

One of the things I don’t like about Beirut, is the lack of green space. In most large cities I’ve lived in, the planners make a deliberate effort to place parks and such throughout the city. For many reasons, not the least of which being the age of the city, Beirut doesn’t follow that type of urban planning. Thus, people have been rather creative in fashioning different styles of living. For example, on of the apartment buildings across the street from us has converted the roof of the building into a very deliberate recreation area. Folks play games, play around and generally make use of the space for things that might be more typically seen in a traditional park.

During my time in NY, I saw people do things like this, but not on the same scale or usage as the Beirut folks. In any case, there are also several very interesting (to me anyway) aspects of architecture in this part of the world that contribute to having fairly drab buildings take up all the room, and having parks, gardens and play areas elsewhere.

Rajaa is a 300lb bouncer

This picture brings several questions to mind. If you go to a beauty salon to have your makeup done, as the picture seems to be advertising, doesn’t wearing a veil tend to mess that up? I would think there would be a smudging problem. I suppose maybe they are just going to get a haircut or something. I would really like to talk to someone wearing a full veil to find out what sort of cosmetic products they find useful.

On a more cheeky note, I wonder if providing a duly authorized certificate of homosexuality would allow a man to work in the special veiled section.

Rooftop guessing

This one is rather easier than yesterday's, but since these aren't too common in the area of the States that I come from, I thought I would post them. Anyone want to guess what these devices are for?



Again, if you are from Lebanon, don't ruin the game for the other folks.

Mystery device

From the vantage point of our new apartment, I’ve been able to gain some insight into Lebanese apartment construction. Some of the gizmos people have on their roofs are a bit odd. One in particular confused me for a while. I think I’ve finally had a eureka moment with a strange piece of equipment on the building across from us. I thought it might be fun to have a little guessing game to see if you folks can figure it out too.

No hints from you Lebanese folks who already know what it is!

Depressed people?

A few days ago, a new acquaintance asked me whether or not I liked Lebanon. This is always a difficult question when you are a guest in someone else’s country. As I think about my experience here, it strikes me as important that I only lived in Lebanon for four months before the Hariri assassination. Could I really call what has been going on since then the real Lebanon? Do I even know the real Lebanon? I wonder…

Along these lines, it’s been interesting to me to see the changes in society as the events of last February march on. From what I’m told, things are quite bad for the country economically these days. However, from what I directly observe, and from the macroeconomic indicators, the economy is doing reasonably well from a historical perspective. So, this begs the question, is the sky really falling, or am I hanging around with negative people?

Lebanese food

I went out to lunch at a fairly nice Lebanese restaurant today. I’ve never really blogged about Lebanese food before, but I think I might start. The key aspect of today’s meal that caught my attention was how odd it was that we had all been eating for about thirty minutes before any of us picked up our utensils.

That’s just the way it goes with a lot of Lebanese dishes. They aren’t exactly finger foods, but many of them are eaten with flatbread instead of silverware. For example, you tear off a little 2x2 inch parcel of flat bread and use that as a scoop for a wide variety of potential salads and starters. The actual meal generally requires utensils, but not necessarily. It’s just a different way of eating, and quite tasty at that.

half full, half empty

One of the downsides of our new location has to do with out proximity to the ocean. At this point, we’re about a block and a half away, which means that because our building’s water supply comes from a well, all the water is slightly salty.

On the plus side, this makes it really easy for recipes that call for boiling salted water….

Out of Achrafieh

The move is over. Things went relatively well, although we couldn't find my shoes for about 36 hours. So far, the new house is great, and we are really looking forward to spending the next year here.

On the other hand, it looks like our old landlord is getting cantakerous. I can imagine that the prospect of having their ridiculously over priced apartment sit empty doesn't really please them. I can understand that, but my sympathies are limited. If you want a tennant, lower the price. It's called competition. We don't owe to to you to endlessly renew the lease on your overpriced place.

Anyway, we're very happy with the new place.

Looting

I've often wondered how so many of Lebanon's archeological treasures are still around, seeing as most of them are in plain view for anyone to pick up and walk off with.

Well, I guess the answer is that people are going to pick them up and walk off with them whether they are in plain sight or not...

Lebanon's Summer Presidential Palace is Burglarized

"...burglars sawed the iron of a ground floor window to slip into the huge compound and get away with priceless jewelry dating back to the Roman era."

Not French yet

Although I have mistaken German for English in the past, my French skills aren’t at the point where I can easily switch between languages. A case in point is the bread that Mary Ann bought yesterday. It’s traditional Arab flatbread, but was sold in a French bakery. Thus, the label was in Francais.

When I first looked at the package, I was a bit confused. I couldn’t figure out why someone would want to call a brand of bread “Pain”.



I will start my own bread line called “Arab suffering”, with expansion plans for misery, despair and melancholy.

Hand me downs

Several months ago, Mary Ann and I were shopping in the warrens of Sidon when we came across a little outfit for Stella that we rather liked. It’s not exactly something out the Carter line, but it had a certain amount of tie-dyed, Grateful Dead funkiness that we found really appealing. Plus, it was only about $3.50 so we bought it. Unfortunately, Stella has refused to wear since the moment she saw it. Over the last six months she has been absolutely resolute that she will not put this on under any circumstances.



Fortunately, we have a second child, so we don’t plan to give up just yet…

Zap

I'm thinking of getting some laser hair removal on my neck. I always have problem shaving my neck. Ingrown hairs, nicks, etc. What do I need all the hastle for? Why not just concentrate all the pain into a few zap sessions, and there you go, no more problem...

Catch up

I must confess to being a bit shocked that it's been nearly a week since I last posted. I guess that's a side-effect of having lots of things going on. Along those lines, we just got back from finalizing a lease agreement for a new apartment. We are much happier with the location. In fact, practically everything is better.

Hopefully, this next year will be better than the last...

Learning Process

The whole family went down to the Corniche today to try out Stella’s new bike. This was the first time Stella has actually had a bike of her own, although she has wanted one for a while now. Mary Ann volunteered to be the one to help Stella figure out the process. Acknowledging that example is the best teacher, Mary Ann pitched right in.



Nevertheless, Stella decided to push the bike for now.

Eyestrain

A little over two years ago, I started making some videos of our lives in Germany to send back to my grandfather, who couldn’t really travel. It turned out that these videos grew in popularity and ended up being copied and passed around to other family members. Fast forward to today, and there are now 17 people on the distribution list. Back in October we had some equipment failures that delayed our monthly mailings. We now have the right equipment to be back in the game, but the production line is seriously backed up. Here is the stack of DVDs ready for shipment:




Under normal circumstances, any audio/visual material has to be directly screened by the Lebanese government before it leaves the country. How would you like to be the person assigned to watch all these discs?

Dance for Mines

The title of this post is taken from the subject line of the email I received inviting me to take part in a certain event. The front and back pages of the brochure were included as attachments, which I have posted here.


So, yes, its pretty clear that they are talking about landmines. Interesting way to raise money, eh? The Lebanese do know how to throw a good party, that's for sure. What better than to combine it with a good cause?

Gender Bender

When I was studying for my paralegal degree, one of the program coordinators was a militant feminist. The sort who thought that “women” should be spelled “wymin”. Most of her ideas on gender seemed rather far fetched to me, but she did have a few things right. For example, she pointed out the feminist accusation that the wife nearly always listed second as the join owner with her husband on a title or other legal document. One of the standard refutations for this is that such things don’t really matter, and therefore don’t constitute a reflection of inequality.

The interesting part came around when she actually started inverting the order: “The land is owned by Mrs. Joan Smith and her husband Frank Smith.” The staff in the office were so taken aback by this that they had to call in extra backup before they would register the deed.

While I’m not going to advocate changing the spellings of words, I do find it interesting how many times the main character in a book or film is male. Since I want to keep gender stereotyping to a minimum in Stella’s life, I’ve adopted a little work-around for this issue.

When Stella and I read books, we look at the page and describe what is going on, while I make up some kind of story to go along with the illustrations. This way, it’s not quite so boring for me to read the same story 47 times, and it’s a bit more interactive. This becomes significant because when reading the stories, I have been asking Stella to tell me if the main character is a boy or a girl, and to give the character a name.

It’s been interesting to see that Stella will choose about 80% of her books to have a female main character. The same character in the same book will always be the same gender, but in several cases, what used to be boy is now a girl. For example, the following books have been gender-adjusted by Stella:

• Where the Wild Things Are
• The Giving Tree
• The Little Engine that Could (the train is a she)
• Things Dads Can’t Do (actually a very cute book, not really about what the title sounds like)
• Winnie the Pooh

At some point she is obviously going to learn that the real text in these books is male oriented, but I figure there will be a net gain if they stay female while Stella is in her formative years. Anyway, I think this behavior of Stella’s serves to reinforce the theory that all these male oriented aspects of our society that we tend to accept actually do have an impact of some kind. Maybe not significant enough to be meaningful, but it looks like there may be something to it…

Fun with idioms

At least temporarily, I’ve decided not to avoid idioms any more. In fact, when the opportunity arises, we’ve been having a bit of fun with them at work lately. In the last two days, this has featured the following:

1. Beat you like a red-headed step-child
2. Fair-haired son
3. Don’t give a rat’s ass
4. Pee in your cornflakes

Personal Artillery

While the French have a modern-day reputation as being militarily incompetent, they have made some very important contributions to what we consider to be modern day military structures. As with many historically influential aspects of French grandeur, this particular one dates back to Louis the 14th. Louis is generally less well known for his military campaigns, as they were mostly inconclusive. While not so great at reforming the territorial landscape, they were great for producing lots of wounded soldiers.

Up to that point, armies were largely made up of soldiers for hire and conscripts. If you were wounded that was your tough luck. Louis changed that by introducing some modern day improvements, such as veteran’s benefits. In particular, he started a retirement home/hospital in the middle of what is now downtown Paris. This structure has been expanded upon and aggrandized and now holds the main French military museum and the tomb of Napoleon. It’s truly an impressive structure and a very interesting museum. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in those aspects of history.

Some of the armaments they have on display date from the 1700s, including some fascinating examples of cannon from that time period. Back in 2002, Mary Ann and I happened across this piece, which I think my sister will appreciate.



This one might be of more general interest. Do you suppose this was the old-time equivalent of painting pin-up girls on bombers in WWII?



Incidentally, Louis went to great lengths to honor the war wounded. He in order to show the great esteem in which he held them, he had a chapel built in the facility where he would go to mass with the ex-troops. However, he needed to be conscious of his image, and not mingle too closely with the commoners. He found the perfect balance by building a huge altar piece in the middle of the chapel, with the vets on one side, and him on the other. Technically, he was at mass with them, but none of them could actually see him. Therefore, all conditions were met, and everyone went home happy.

This move towards honoring the troops made a big impression on the French and other armies in Europe, and started a shift towards providing for soldiers after the war was over. The French really took to this idea. Even today, veterans are clearly listed as having priority for reserved seats on the metro over a whole list of other folks, including the elderly and pregnant women.

I find honesty very attractive

Which is why I think this conversation I had with Mary Ann this morning quite amusing:

Me: So I had this really weird nightmare last night, that had…

So, that was pretty weird wasn’t it? I think it could make a good senior film project for some feminist film student somewhere.

Mary Ann: Yeah. It could also be really great material for a session with a psychiatrist.

Me: Thanks for your support.

Saida

In an effort to enjoy Lebanon a bit more, we decided to do something that I always enjoy… Archeological frolicking! Although we have been to Sidon numerous times, we haven’t yet been to the Sea Castle. While I often notice that most of Lebanon’s historical treasures aren’t very well protected, the Sea Castle is an exception. Not only do they have a ticket booth and a fence, they have given it that little added bit of protection that can only come by never actually opening the gates.

The ticket booth seems to be staffed on a complex rhythm synchronized to the flight patterns of migratory fruit bats. No ripe bananas, no ticket, and that’s the way it is. Fortunately, the bats were flying that morning, so we were able to get in. I did notice with some amusement, that the booth attendant was adamant that the admission price was 4,500LL, but the price on the ticket was clearly printed as 4,000LL. Whatever. If it keeps the bats happy, I’m happy.

I find this castle to be one of the more interesting crusader establishments in Lebanon. It was built in the 13th century to help fortify the city and its port against all those nasty, evil Muslims who had conspired to be there before them. Of course, to be fair the Muslims stole it from the Greeks, who happened to be there before them, who stole it from the Persians, who happened to be there before them, who stole it from the Phoenicians, who happened to be there before them, who stole it from the Neolithic natives who really were there first. That being said, the Phoenicians were committing terrible violations of animal rights against the indigenous population of murex snails to steal their purple dye, so the Phoenicians had it coming.



As with most crusader establishments, it was low on art, and high on defensibility. Still though, some flourishes were visible.





Among the favorite crusader techniques was the embedding of slices of Roman columns to reinforce the walls.



One thing I hadn’t seen before was a rather creative use of marble columns as moldings in door jams. Doubtless this did a great job of keeping out the draft and raising the resale value of the property.



As we were there during high tide on a windy day there were some exhilarating waves breaking against the seaside boundary of the castle. We took some great video and interior pictures, but I’m not posting any of it here because of all the plotting, identity thieving weirdos who read this blog. No, I don’t mean you.

Anyway, I did get a bit cranky over one aspect of heritage management. If you really care about preserving your history, why would you leave iron cannon out in an area that is constantly receiving salt water spray from the ocean? Wouldn’t you think that a tad likely to shorten the lifespan?



I realize that once they build up a rust crust that they are fairly stable, but still. If you don’t want to be nice to them, I’ll be more than happy to take one off your hands. I’ll just wait until the migratory bats of moved on, back my 12 year old car down the causeway, pop one in the trunk, and you’ll never even know I was there…

Don't blink...

Danielle would like to say that taking pictures of babies with the red-eye reduction flash setting causes certain side-effects.

My own laser gun!

I want one!

"...burns holes in most materials."

I just love products with disclaimers like:

"This is a dangerous Class IV laser project and requires initial purchase of plans including our hazardous equipment affidavit that must be signed before purchase of the actual system. "

Still though, $1,750.00 for the out-of-the-box version is a bit steep. But hey, isn't it worth it to blast holes in your living room walls with your own laser gun?

Bwahahahahaha

Traveling man

I'm quite glad to be back with my family here in Beirut, but there have been a few issues. Ever since my trip, Stella has been having some problems:

1. She now requires reassurance when going to bed that I'm going to be there when she wakes up.
2. Mary Ann told me that Stella ran out her room crying that she was afraid tigers during the second week I was gone.
3. Stella is now very concerned about Monsters and doesn't want us to close the door to her room at night.
   

I can't make any clear causative case between my leaving and all these symptoms suddenly occuring. They might only be coincident. I doubt it though. Stella and I have a very close relationship, and me being gone for two weeks was a huge rock to drop in her pond. I've never been gone before at this. I suspect these things are happening because her world got rocked and that's causing her stress.

I'm concerned that things are going to get back to normal just in time for me to leave again. Still though, I can't just not take any business trips because it will disrupt her...

Let the therapy bills commence.

Anti-blogging

I’ve been think about starting a non-public section of this blog where I would share more personal information, pictures, and some of my more snarky opinions. Access would be given on an individual basis to people I know personally. Do any of you have an opinion on that idea?

Expat sum-up

This trip to the US had some real surprises for me. I had thought about tracking how I was reacting to America each day of the trip. However, the whole daily blogging thing got derailed fairly quickly. Instead, I’ve tossed together a kind of retrospective graph showing my desire (on a 1-10 scale) of moving back.



At the start of things, I wasn’t really that hot on the idea of moving back. That started to change toward the end of the first week, based on several key circumstances:

1. Spending time with my sister and her new husband
2. Seeing the kind of life I would likely have if I went back
3. Shellie
4. Reconnecting with all the family on my father's side
   

The first one is obvious, so I won’t go into that. The second one refers to me scouting out what it would be like if we moved back to Charlotte. Positive things included grass for Stella to play on, neighborhoods with happy children, and how generally easy it was to get things done. The incessant driving culture was a clear negative.

The third one needs a bit more explination. Shellie is a close friend of Terra’s who gave some hercluean efforts in keeping things going with the wedding arrangements. Two main things really impressed me about her life. First, they were a great demo of what I would want my family to be like if we moved back. Her family is about the same size as mine, her husband’s career is very similar to mine, and she has a really great life. Not Norman Rockwell perfect, but warts and all, a great thing. Except for the dog, that definitely has to go. Second, Shellie and her husband have really been going the extra mile to help out Terra and her husband through the whole dating and getting married process. That’s really nice of her, except for one thing.

That’s my job.

Shellie, you’re great, but I have to kill you now. No offense?

So anyway, Shelllie is personally responsible for the peak at day 8.

Things started to taper off again when I really started thinking about what it would be like several years down the road if we moved back. Would I start to find it boring after the first ~8 months? Would I start missing the international life? What if three months after moving there Terra’s new husband decided that he hated my kids for being the fantastic people they are and there was some big row?

Incidentally, we get that a lot. My kids are cuter, smarter, and more articulate that everyone else’s on the planet. Most people who meet them just decide to give up and not bother having children since they can’t possibly compete with mine. It’s a serious risk, but I digress.

These questions didn’t take the Moving Desirability index back down to 0, but it did take a hit. For the rest of the week, when I was spending time with the rest of my family, the index started to rise again. It peaked after my visit to some long-time friends in my hometown. By the end of the second week, it was back up into the plane ticket buying range.

This was cured by actually getting on a plane and reminding myself of how much I hate flying across the planet.

Days 15-17 consist of my gradually adjusting time zones, sleeping schedules, and telling Mary Ann all the stories of what happened during my trip. I finally finished up with this on day 18. Since that time, Mary Ann has put about 80% of her votes behind returning to the States. I’ll invite her to add her thoughts into the comments section if she wants to.

So, that’s how the visit impacted my views on future plans. I’ll be interested to see how things pan out as I get a little more established back into my life here. I’m planning on a nice excursion to Saida this weekend to try and get back into the Lebanese swing of things.

We’ll see.

Finally!

The weather in Beirut is cold enough that I can walk to work without needing to change out of a t-shirt when I arrive.

On the other hand, my now useless folding technique for getting a dress shirt to survive for 30 minutes in a backpack might earn me a patent.

#1 Quote

Today is my first day back at work, and the most frequent (non-work related) remark I have heard is:

"You look younger!"

Back in Beirut

It was a long flight, but fairly anti-climactic. I'm back, the luggage seems to have survived, and it's time to go fall into bed.

Bonding

After the wedding, we went to a baby shower for one of my sisters. In between all the gift opening and girly stuff, my niece and I hung out in the back yard making lion noises.

Nooooooo

Now that I've been consorting with family and friends back in the homeland, I've noticed some Soutern accent tinges creeping into my speech. I find this odd since I lived there for 10 years without any issues. Weird.

Frolicking

I've had a full day of fun and excitement in the great land of the US, but not a whole lot of time for pithy and enlightening posting. So, I've compromised by taking pictures of things I thought were interesting.



This display area was in the lobby of my sister's new apartment complex. I find the one lonely little cookie strangely amusing.



One dramatic change to the American scene since my last visit is the number of flags. There seems to have been a real merchandizing of the patriotism concept. A close second to the number of flags that have sprouted up are the number of eagle images.



Apparently, my soon to be brother in law has a thing for eagles, and has them all over the place. This is the top of his bookcase. The nice thing about letting picture speak for themselves, is that I can't get in trouble for what commentary I add =)

Update

I've arrived in America, and things are going well. I expect to be able to post a decent sized item soon, but for now, here is the quote of the day from my sister:

"I hate this apartment with a deep and abiding passion that transcends the ages."

Yup, this is my family =)

Salmon

In just two short hours, I'm off to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave for two weeks. I wonder how much it has changed since my last trip...

Mary Ann and the girls will be staying back in Beirut, which I don't like at all. This will be the longest I have been away since we had kids. I'll probably be going nuts by the second day.

Anyway, got to go pack.

Better at math than language apparently

I went to the bank yesterday, only to be faced with this mind-bender from their rack of pamphlets:



What does this even mean?

Mary Ann suggested they were renting out a time machine so you could go back to the moment of your conception and break things up. On the other hand, maybe they have stepped up their campaign of annoying their customers through bad service to now include actively promoting the elimination of their customers.

In any case, we can clearly see from the picture that the product is obviously aimed at the huge and thriving market of Lebanese families adopting Irish babies.

Anyway, here is the Arabic side of the flier. Maybe someone who speaks Arabic could offer a clue as to how the translation went so badly.

Foreigners are so demanding

Foreign Students in Russia: “Stop Killing Us”

Stupid foreigners coming into the country with all their crazy demands. Honestly, I don’t know why Russia puts up with this sort of complaining.

Ungrateful little weasels marching around with slogans like:

“Stop Killing Us”
“Let Us Live”
“We Want to Live”

Honestly! Who do they think they are?

Fortunately, the mayor was on the case, confidently reassuring the protestors:

“Students have been killed and will be killed. We are trying hard, but there isn’t much we can do about it…”

Useful, yet not overtly geeky

I’ve decided that I need to buy a watch. Generally speaking, I hate watches, rings and so forth, but there’s a little problem. Mary Ann is getting a bit tired of me asking her what time it is.

The problem is that while I’m at work, I can just look at my computer if I want to know the time. This is quite convenient as I am generally looking at the computer anyway, so I just have to divert my eyes about 3 degrees downward. That’s the kind of effort I think is appropriate for finding out what time it is.

Somewhat inconveniently for both of us, when I am not around a computer, I am generally around Mary Ann. As she already owns a watch, she then inheirits the time-announcer functions.

All this brings me around to the watch-buying project. I think I’m leaning toward the one on the left. What do you folks think?

Interesting times

All right, so I haven’t been blogging a whole lot lately. Lest you think I am loosing bloggish steam, let me assure you that I’m not. It’s just that the most interesting things going on in my life are all un-bloggable. Loads of interesting stuff at work, etc. etc. Unfortunately, I can’t really comment on the security measures, other than to say that I’m quite positively impressed.

Along those lines, I would like to announce that I have solved Lebanon’s electricity problems. With the upcoming UN report into Hariri’s assisnation, pretty much everyone I’ve talked to in this country is wired out of their minds with stress. All we need to do organize teams of these people to take turns sticking a power cable in their mouths to put all this extra energy into the power grid.

Voila!

Endless and abundant electricity created out of cheap and widely available anxiety.

What a sense of humor!

In the computer world, there’s a lot of chatter these days on whether or not the US should continue to administer the Internet, or whether or not it should be done by an international organization (presumably the UN). It’s a contentious issue, because it involves some complex technological issues as well as the diplomatic ones. Fortunately, we citizens of the world can turn to that fair and balanced source of truth, The Guardian, which offers this insight:

It will be officially raised at a UN summit of world leaders next month and, faced with international consensus, there is little the US government can do but acquiesce.

Hahahahahaha!

That’s a good one.

I wonder if anyone over at the Guardian has actually been reading the news for the last couple of years.

Fortunately, there is a kernel of truth from one of the experts quoted in the article:

"The idea of the council is so vague. It's not clear to me that governments know what to do about anything at this stage apart from get in the way of things that other people do."

Oh, so very true.

Discovery

One of the neat things about being a parent is seeing your kids experience and understand things for the first time. Along those lines, Stella had a eureka experience on Friday, when she discovered that if she plays around in the bathtub for too long, her fingertips get all shrively. At first she was very concerned about this effect, but after a lecture on hydrological qualities of the epidermis, she calmed right down.

Going Round the Twist

I’ve held off posting this content for the last week because I’ve realized that is really isn’t all that ground-breaking. It’s a pretty clear disillusionment cycle kind of thing. On the other hand, it goes a long way to describing why I don’t really agree with people processing through stages 1-3, which amounts to about 95% of people out there.

The process constitutes the following phases:

American is Best

This is the flag-waving, unquestioning acceptance that America is the most splendiferous country in the world. This tends to be the default self-perception of most Americans.

What do you mean we’re not the best?

For whatever reason, a closer examination of the facts puts some blots on the snazzy picture. Maybe a lot of blots. For me, this phase happened when I lived in France and spent many an enchanting hour debating/defending the relative merits of America. To an unfortunately large extent, I drank the Kool-aid.

America sucks

For some reason, an enormous number of phase 2 Americans get stuck in this phase. To some degree I think it becomes fashionable to show off how much you think America sucks, because the more critical you are, the more enlightened you are. A friend of mine referred to this in hindsight as his ‘Euro-snob phase’. For me, this culminated in doing extensive research on giving up my American citizenship. Highly stupid.

Hey wait, America is kind of good.

Hmmm, maybe America is the best, but then again, maybe not. A lot depends on how you measure it. I don’t often agree with Paul Krugman, but he has made a good point about comparisons between American and European systems. If you want a lavish social safety net and an inert foreign policy you aren’t likely to be happy with America.

Personally, this whole process has ended up with what I believe to be a much more balanced view of America. There are so many good things about America and American culture that I didn’t appreciate until I was better able to contrast them with other systems.

Whether you ultimately like or dislike America, one thing is true. No other country in the world has a greater ability to transform this planet or a greater potential for good.

Because Mao likes cats

I know I really shouldn’t be finding happiness in this sort of story, but how can I not smile at writing like this:

Regarded as symbols of bourgeois decadence during the Mao era and only fit for the dinner table, dogs have become increasingly fashionable as pets in China in recent years.

I think all despotic regimes should have at least one item in their political platform that is both condemned and edible at the same time. On the other hand, clubbing dogs to death in front of their owners in the middle of the street strikes me as a bit much. Couldn’t they at least be sent to doggy forced labor camps, or trained as a special K9 brigade of the Red Guard? Perhaps used to invade Taiwan…

Tweak

For some reason or another, I have a muscle spasm in my left eyebrow. This is giving me that sexy deranged look that’s so popular in professional circles.

Maybe I should just tell people that it’s a side effect of reading the news too much.

What would the world do without Mormons?

First, it was Philo Farnsworth inventing the television. Now, it’s Lynn Ogden inventing carbonated yogurt.

Glerb

This has been the week of death for electronics in our house. It started off with Stella accidentally pouring water on my cell phone. The, the video camera’s motor went bad. The computer keeps getting progressively more and more flaky with each passing week. I think it’s building up to the grand finale when the warranty expires in a few weeks. Further, the door that holds the batteries in the still camera has almost completely broken off, so that’s just a matter of time.

The Amish lifestyle is starting to look appealing.

Way with words

One of the benefits of working in this particular region is the charming way in which the governmental officials speak to each other. How about this little gem from the Iraqi Interior Minister:

Iraq will not accept "a Bedouin on a camel teaching us about human rights and democracy."

Oh really?

Perhaps you might prefer a Texan in a helicopter...



Some other choice snippets:

"Let them give the right to their women to at least drive cars. Their women are deprived of their rights while the women in our country are equal to men."

He also called the Saudis "tyrants who think they are king and God, and they name their countries after their families."

Review of The Last Star Fighter

Can’t say I’d recommend The Last Starfighter. Are you shocked? Does it surprise you? I can’t help but dissect movies the way I would a book or a painting or a symphony. The best examples of all of these are the ones that give me something to work with. Starfighter didn’t.

I can, however, praise the film on two counts. That’s right. I found two things to appreciate.

1. The beginning really had me going. Despite some mediocre performances by the leads, I really was interested in this young man’s future. I was engaged in the story all the way up until the Ferrari-minivan showed up.

2. Costumes were dead-on right. The good guys wear matte finish suits with nice contrasting color details to let you know that they have souls and depth. Plus, they look vaguely human which curries our sympathy all the more. Not the bad guys. Their glossy, solid color (orange--ewww) uniforms give them all the personality of a storm trooper, and about that much individuality. They drool, ooze, and are otherwise repulsive. The evil villainous traitor wears black eyeliner. Eyeliner on men = evildoer, which is simple enough.

Here’s a plot summary:
Teenager dreams of getting out of his trailer park and doing something with his life, but spends all his time playing video games (and is therefore really good at it). One day, a stranger lures him into his Ferrari-minivan and informs him that the video game was designed to locate gifted intergalactic warriors, and whisks him off to the join the fray. Said teenager isn’t sure that is what he wants to do with his life, and while he is having second thoughts back on Earth, the intergalactic elite are massacred in one fell swoop. It then becomes clear that if the galaxy is to remain free for democracy our hero must rise to the occasion and fight the entire enemy fleet single-handedly. Upon saving the galaxy, he returns to his trailer park, triumphant, to say good bye to mom, and pick up his girlfriend. They return to distant worlds to devote their lives to restoring the defenses of the good guys.

--Mary Ann

Something more important

I know you are all desperate to hear the second installment of my diatribe on (anti)American culture, but you’re just going to have to wait a bit. Something far more critical has come up.

While planning how we would spend our rocking Friday night, it came to my attention that Mary Ann has never seen The Last Starfighter. Being the good sport that she is, we have contributed a few bucks to the Lebanese video rental industry and are well on our way.

Furthermore, she has also accepted my invitation provide us all with a review of the movie after she is done.

The world awaits…

It’s so nice to be loved.

Good Luck Karen

Unless it is something funny, or something I really feel passionate about, I try to avoid political posts. Today’s subject drifts dangerously close to politics, but I’d actually like to wrestle it over into the area of culture. Specifically, American culture.

For the last few days, Karen Hughes has been visiting various folks in the Middle East doing PR for the United States. From what I’ve seen, she is coming up against many of the disconnects and misperceptions that contribute to present state of affairs. Generally speaking, she seems to be handling things quite well.

There are a whole host of interesting issues that could be dealt with here, but I’d like to focus on a comment made by Steven Weisman in his recent write-up for the NY Times.

Many in this region say they resent the American assumption that, given the chance, everyone would live like Americans.

It isn’t just this region. From my personal experience, it applies equally well to Germany, Austria, France and Russia. Even people who have very positive opinions about America don’t necessarily want to live like Americans. In the case of Europe, the majority chooses to pay high taxes for a large and paternalistic government.

This is generally the point where I’m suppose to enlighten you all on how much America sucks and how you poor products of the inferior American education system just don’t understand. However, I’m not going to do that.

Instead, I’m going to radically change the subject to anti-American snobbery. As this post is quickly getting too long for an enjoyable read, I will defer this next installment to a future post. Tune in next time for my theory on American self-perception that I call:

"Going Round the Twist"

I have an announcement to make

I was rained on today.

While this might not be considered a significant event to all those of you who don’t live in Lebanon, it’s pretty noteworthy out here. This is the first time it has rained here since one brief spattering in July. Thus ends the longest rain-free stretch in my life to date.

I blame the vast, right-wing cabal of Zionist, infidel, Christian, Republicans and their evil leader, Ralph Nader.

When in the course of human events…

…the British go completely out of their minds.

No wonder we dumped their tea overboard. Sheesh.

Learn something new every day

I had no idea that suctorial was a real word.

Adaptation II

It was a dark and stormy night…

Well, it was dark anyway. It was around 9pm and a friend and I were headed down an apartment stairwell when the power went out. I was a bit taken aback by this, because there was absolutely no way to see the stairs.

That’s when I learned a little Lebanese trick. My friend whipped out his cell phone and pushed a button so the display would light up. It wasn’t much, but it was definitely enough to see the stairs and get out without any problems.

The downside of this is that my enjoyment of StarTrek has been marginally decreased. Now, whenever a distraught starship captain barks out an order for “Emergency Lights!”, I’m going to visualize the deck crew whipping out their cell phones for a Nokia powered solution.

Tipping standards

I’m not used to tipping waiters in cheap fast food restaurants. Frankly, I’m not used to having waiters in fast food restaurants. However, I recently had just such a situation come up. Quite unexpectedly, this guy did the following tip-worthy things:

1. Brought the food to our table.
2. Asked us if we wanted ketchup (which typically has to be requested in other places like Europe)
3. Refilled our drinks.
4. Brought Stella a balloon.
   

Even in a place where I would typically expect a waiter, this guy had done a good job. So, I decided to leave a tip. Much to my surprise, he actually followed us out of the restaurant to give back the money. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I didn’t forget the money, I left it there for you as a tip.

Him: No, I couldn’t possible.

Me: Why not? You did a good job, and clearly deserve to get a tip.

Him: Well, it’s my job.

Quite a bit different than the way things work in the US isn’t it?

Adaptation

Moving to new countries almost always involves a change in diet. Sometimes it’s deliberate, and sometimes it happens without you noticing. Recently, I have noticed that our yogurt consumption seems to have gone up by exponents. At present, we are eating about 2 kilos of yogurt every 4-5 days. Plenty of Lebanese dishes do involve a lot of yogurt, but still....

I have no idea of how this is happening. It’s not like we each chomp our way through a towering bowl of yogurt each morning, but nonetheless, it keeps getting eaten.

Mary Ann Quote

If you were a cartoon character, you would be Stitch.

Public Service Announcement

This anonymous baby (which may or may not be related to me) would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that proper lumbar support is essential to good ergonomic seating.

heh heh

A new twist on 1-900 numbers...

(click to enlarge)

Translation:

Phonesex lady: Call me! I’ll do things that even your wife doesn’t do…

Wife: You’re not really going to call!?

Man: I’m ordering the chopped roast beef with red cabbage, what do you want?

Conservative heaven

I was just contemplating several of the key values of Republican Conservatives:

1. Low Taxes, small government
   
2. As little interference by government into our lives as possible
3. Personal accounts in Social Security

This brought me around to thinking about my life as a UN employee:

1. Virtually exempt from paying taxes, practically no government services
   
2. US laws don’t apply to me
   
3. No Social Security benefits, entirely self-funded retirement
   

Hmmmm…

Scenery

As I am wandering around with a camera today, I’ve decided to give you all a behind the scenes look at some parts of my life. First, my little corner in our ivory tower outpost of the New World Order. This is where we plot to take over the national parks of the United States in our secret bid to rule the world through low-cost lumber sales.



I’d like to point out a few things not readily visible in the picture. Arrow #1 is pointing to where I have draped my sweaty t-shirt over a small set of drawers under my desk. Arrow #2 is pointing to the secret hiding spot for my sneakers. Arrow #3 is pointing to the locked case where I have stashed all the secret security devices that have been issued to us for various ‘don’t get killed’ purposes. Don’t ask what’s in there because then the security people would get cranky that I’m providing information on our countermeasures to all the terrorist spies who read my blog on a daily basis. You can’t be too careful.



This is a picture of some Middle Eastern deserts a colleague brought in for the office today.

Weird things for sale in Beirut

This has got to be the biggest Cadillac Fleetwood I have ever seen in my life.  I have no idea how this could possibly be driven in Beirut traffic.  On the other hand, if you get a flat tire, it comes with a complimentary Mini Cooper in the trunk.  Simply push a button and you’re back on your way again!

After I got back to the computer I saw that Stella got her darling little slimy fingerprints all over the camera lens, which gives the picture that funky halo effect in the middle of the frame.  Ah, the delights of parenting.

Maybe velcro is the answer

I seem to be having a bit of trouble dressing myself these days. Because I like to walk to work, I typically bring more appropriate shoes in my bag and pull a Mr. Rogers-style transformation after I arrive. Yesterday, I forgot to bring socks.

Today, just as I was leaving the house, the button popped off my pants. Mary Ann has assured me that my belt should hide this problem, but that I should check from time to time to make sure everything that needs to be zipped up still is. So far, she’s right.

Box under a bridge

My inbox has just been graced by another security warning. I have been strongly urged to avoid two specific areas. Geographically, they translate into:

#1 Where I work
#2 Where I live

That settles it! To increase the safety of my family, we will move into a cast off refrigerator box under a bridge.

Leave the pin in next time

Naturally, everyone has been a rather concerned about the expolsion this morning. However, the mood is starting to change as more details are coming out. Specifically this:

"...police investigators on the scene were later quoted as saying Alaili was toying with a hand grenade he brought into the office at midmorning when it went off in his hands. He was rushed to the American University Hospital, where he died shortly afterwards."

What an idiot. Who takes a live hand grenade to work? Sounds like someone is a candidate for a Darwin Award.

lurp

Looks like there was another bomb this morning. From the last two incidents it seems that the methodology is changing a bit. Instead of relatively deserted industrial areas, these folks are starting to switch to more heavily populated areas during busier times of day.

One more to the list

Although I am sure you will do a credible job feigning surprise, I have an announcement. Mary Ann is a better parent than I am. While you probably don’t require further proof of this fact, I do have one more piece of evidence.

Mary Ann can feed Danielle a full bottle without waking her up.

That’s right. Fully unconscious feeding. I have no idea how this is possible, but it is. I am witnessing it at this very moment. Mary Ann is one talented woman.

Another one

There was another car bomb last night in our section of the city, but not our neighborhood. We're all fine.

Does he need a hall pass?

Please, please, please let this picture of President Bush be a hoax.

Maybe it will be reincarnated as a stereo

Today my office computer was officially pronounced dead. In the meantime, I'm working on a temporary machine from the IT department. This machine is far better because it more focused on quality. For example, it helps out in several ways:

After you type a word, the computer pauses for several minutes to truly contemplate the deeper meanings of the word and how to best display it on the screen.

If you want to visit a website, the computer will provide you extra pondering time to make sure you are mentally prepared to view the page.

Print jobs are rendered in a loving, patient way, which helps the paper understand that it needs to be truly dedicated to being the best paper it can possibly be.

In the meantime, I will investigate these strange objects lined up on the other side of my office. I have been told that they are similar to archaic data storage devices know as "books" which were stored on "bookshelves".

They may also be cuneiform tablets. I've heard they have a lot of those in Beirut.

Also available in blue and blue.

In my line of work, classifying the benefits of certain activities in terms of cost effectiveness is very popular. From time to time, things come up that are difficult to express in financial terms. These folks seem to have raised some interesting points in their analysis of the Cost Effectiveness of Clothing Suicidal Inmates.

These thoughtful folks have such valuable insights as:

• Clothing prevents the need for treatment of hypothermia
• Staff gets a break from noise and demands when inmate sleeps

Last but not least:

• An opportunity for a new beginning upon awakening

Clearly, this company has the interests of their customers at heart.

The way it goes

From the New York Times:

The General Assembly vote ended three weeks of tense talks at which regional rivalries and national ambitions succeeded in scuttling attempts by a majority of nations to act in the broader United Nations interest. The continuing debate exposed in high profile the kind of indecisiveness that the document was supposed to address.

"There were governments that were not willing to make the concessions necessary," Mr. Annan said. "There were spoilers also in the group, let's be quite honest about that."

I wish more had been accomplished, but that's pretty much the way it goes in a collaborative organization. It reminds me of Winston Churchill's famous comment:

Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried.

You're welcome

Back in good ole Deutschland, the locals occasionally saw fit to speak English with me. This was not surprising, because for the first few years I was there, my German sounded much more like something you would expect to hear out of the Swedish chef on the Muppets. I was grateful that these folks had made the effort to learn English and use it with me. In these cases, I made it my habit to thank them at the end of the conversation for having spoken English with me. Yes, yes, I know it wasn't necessary – the privilege of speaking with me is its own reward. Still though, I was trying to be gracious. It's part of the package.

Anyway, so here I am tooling around Lebanon, and not speaking a whole lot of Arabic. The thing I'm wondering about is the advisability of thanking people for speaking English with me. Technically, English is one of the official languages here, so is it really something I should thank someone for? Pretty much everyone here speaks English as a second or third language, so I've come up with a ground rule:

If the person has to try hard to speak English, thank them. If they can speak English better than George Bush, let it slide.

Thus far its working pretty well.

Well, wadaya know...

I've never seen one of these before...

A LADA 4X4.

Does this count as an SUV?

Ready, Set, Go!

The first family member to respond to this post gets to pick the area code for our new phone number.

ugh

I so dearly hope that this, and this are in fact some kind of hoax.

(Safe for work in my opinion. But initial reports claim that your network admin might not agree. Better safe than sorry.)

Hidden meaning

There seems to be some confusion on my listing of diabolical vengeance choices in a recent post. For the uninitiated, I will take a brief moment to explain the nuance. The key point is that most gifts men give to women are actually terrible insults in disguise. Surprisingly, hundreds of years have gone by without women realizing the truth. This is because of the brilliant cover-up campaign we men have been waging to convince women that we are clueless simpletons who have no concept of subtlety.

I have decided that the ruse has gone on long enough. Here is a list of several common gifts and their true meaning:

Flowers: Here honey, I saw this beautiful living thing that reminded me of you, so I killed it and now you get to watch them slowly die.

Perfume: Frankly, you don't smell all that great.

Jewelry: Because you just aren't pretty enough on your own.

Chocolate: You will be unable to resist the momentary pleasure, only to find out that years of suffering through leg-lifts and wacko cactus-root diets will be unable to rid you of the unsightly cellulite that I am knowingly cursing you with.

Now you know the truth.

Overcompensation

Everyonce in a while, Mary Ann and I review our budget to see if there are expenses that we could reduce. In the last month, we've been chopping out some of the food budget. For example, even though the prices are rather low compared to what we are used to, we can save about $2,500.00 per year if I bring my lunch to work instead of buying it there.

That's all well and good, and I fully support it. However, I think things might be getting a bit out of hand. As plaintiff's exhibit A, I submit the following quote:

Mary Ann: I really like that with a loaf of bread and a head of cabbage I can eat lunch for a week on 750 Lira (50 cents).

Frankly, I think this is going a bit far. It's not exactly nutritious, and hardly had any calories. I think that not-so-deep-down, Mary Ann would be quite happy to return to the days of a $30.00 monthly food budget. Fortunately, it is my sworn duty to prevent this from happening.

Because they are pros at that

For some reason or another, it has become very common among the NGOs around here to use the following phrase:

"Pro-Poor Policies"

To quote The Princess Bride, “Why do you keep saying that? I do not think it means what you think it means.” Let's re-try that same grammatical phrase with a different noun and you tell me if it really means what you intended:

Pro-Israel policies
Pro-Iraq War policies
Pro-murdering babies in witchcraft ceremonies under a full-moon policies

Get the picture? The prefix “pro” means that you are trying to encourage something, to make it happen more. As far as I am aware, none of the people where I work are going to fund a project to actually create more poor people.

If you want to promote pro-poor policies, I recommend talking to these people, who have done a fabulous job in that area.

I love the way the Internet brings people together

We have decided to try out a new service in the VoIP market. This will allow us to get a phone number anywhere in the US or several EU countries, and when you dial the number, it will get routed to our computer. This means that for some lucky area code out there, we will be a local call, instead of international.

The trouble is, we don't really want to choose that area code ourselves. We bandied about several different ways of selecting the number, but they each stood a reasonably high chance of pissing someone off. So, the plan of the moment is to make this a competitive process.

I've decided that within the next 36 hours, I will post a “ready, set, go” blog entry, and the family member to respond to it first gets to pick the area code. Note that I have switched personal pronouns. I've done this because Mary Ann doesn't like this idea very much. She thinks I am setting the contest up this way in a shallow attempt to punish her family for my perception that they don't really read this blog very much. I'm sure you will all be relieved to know that I have decided not to get cranky with her for being right.

She also claims that she is going to cheat by sending out an email notification to her side of the family as soon as I fire off the starter pistol. She is welcome to do this, because I have had far too few opportunities to come up with vengeful plots lately. In fact, just thinking about it now is helping to stretch my long-neglected devious side. This won't be some kind of easy vengeance like a nice this. No, it will be something far more diabolical like this.

By the way, I am also available for handing out free marital advice upon request. Well, actually, I pretty much give it away without requests. In fact, I am the world's leading authority on everything my parents and siblings have ever done wrong in their marriages, and how to make it worse. I'm also expanding my expertise into her side of the family, but frankly there are fewer marriages there, so it isn't as interesting. As a result I have been forced to diversify into such fields as career mistakes and management of credit card debt.

Which brings me back around to the main topic of this post, the wonderful opportunity for calling at cheap and easy rates.

I expect the phone to start ringing any time now.

Idiot Idiom of the day

Me: “...so anyway, he spilled the beans.”

Colleague: “What do you mean 'beans'? Does this mean the magic beans of Jack?”

Is it security or stagnation?

There are certain career tracks in the United Nations that have the possibility of ending up with a lifetime contract. Without going too far into the details, you have to pass a very competitive written test, oral interview, and have an approximately 2 year probationary period. If you get through all the hoops with flying colors, you will be given a job for life.

If you had that chance, would you take it? I know that kind of touches on the idea I brought up before, on the subject of working for the UN in general, so let's not get into that subject. I'm thinking more along the lines of knowing that you would be working for the same employer for your entire life. Would you want that kind of a future?

Of course, in my case, a lifetime contract would last for about 45 seconds. As soon as certain members of my family found out that the grandkids would be permanently globe trotting around Third World countries, they would have me killed.

I need to do more rummaging around on our trips

Discovery of cuneiform tablet supports stories about Sidon's past

Parenting moment

We went back to Stella's favorite park yesterday. Right at the entrance, there was a little girl standing there looking a little bit sad. Stella walked right up to her with a big smile on her face and said:

"Hi!”

The other little girl just turned away.

Stella's happy, smiling expression melted away to be replaced by a mixture of confusion and sadness.

I don't want Stella to experience people being mean to each other. I don't want her to feel rejected. If those things must happen, and I know they do, I want to teach her how to deal with it and not loose her positive, happy outlook on life.

Trouble is, I'm not really sure how to do that.