Something more important

I know you are all desperate to hear the second installment of my diatribe on (anti)American culture, but you’re just going to have to wait a bit. Something far more critical has come up.

While planning how we would spend our rocking Friday night, it came to my attention that Mary Ann has never seen The Last Starfighter. Being the good sport that she is, we have contributed a few bucks to the Lebanese video rental industry and are well on our way.

Furthermore, she has also accepted my invitation provide us all with a review of the movie after she is done.

The world awaits…

It’s so nice to be loved.

Good Luck Karen

Unless it is something funny, or something I really feel passionate about, I try to avoid political posts. Today’s subject drifts dangerously close to politics, but I’d actually like to wrestle it over into the area of culture. Specifically, American culture.

For the last few days, Karen Hughes has been visiting various folks in the Middle East doing PR for the United States. From what I’ve seen, she is coming up against many of the disconnects and misperceptions that contribute to present state of affairs. Generally speaking, she seems to be handling things quite well.

There are a whole host of interesting issues that could be dealt with here, but I’d like to focus on a comment made by Steven Weisman in his recent write-up for the NY Times.

Many in this region say they resent the American assumption that, given the chance, everyone would live like Americans.

It isn’t just this region. From my personal experience, it applies equally well to Germany, Austria, France and Russia. Even people who have very positive opinions about America don’t necessarily want to live like Americans. In the case of Europe, the majority chooses to pay high taxes for a large and paternalistic government.

This is generally the point where I’m suppose to enlighten you all on how much America sucks and how you poor products of the inferior American education system just don’t understand. However, I’m not going to do that.

Instead, I’m going to radically change the subject to anti-American snobbery. As this post is quickly getting too long for an enjoyable read, I will defer this next installment to a future post. Tune in next time for my theory on American self-perception that I call:

"Going Round the Twist"

I have an announcement to make

I was rained on today.

While this might not be considered a significant event to all those of you who don’t live in Lebanon, it’s pretty noteworthy out here. This is the first time it has rained here since one brief spattering in July. Thus ends the longest rain-free stretch in my life to date.

I blame the vast, right-wing cabal of Zionist, infidel, Christian, Republicans and their evil leader, Ralph Nader.

When in the course of human events…

…the British go completely out of their minds.

No wonder we dumped their tea overboard. Sheesh.

Learn something new every day

I had no idea that suctorial was a real word.

Adaptation II

It was a dark and stormy night…

Well, it was dark anyway. It was around 9pm and a friend and I were headed down an apartment stairwell when the power went out. I was a bit taken aback by this, because there was absolutely no way to see the stairs.

That’s when I learned a little Lebanese trick. My friend whipped out his cell phone and pushed a button so the display would light up. It wasn’t much, but it was definitely enough to see the stairs and get out without any problems.

The downside of this is that my enjoyment of StarTrek has been marginally decreased. Now, whenever a distraught starship captain barks out an order for “Emergency Lights!”, I’m going to visualize the deck crew whipping out their cell phones for a Nokia powered solution.

Tipping standards

I’m not used to tipping waiters in cheap fast food restaurants. Frankly, I’m not used to having waiters in fast food restaurants. However, I recently had just such a situation come up. Quite unexpectedly, this guy did the following tip-worthy things:

1. Brought the food to our table.
2. Asked us if we wanted ketchup (which typically has to be requested in other places like Europe)
3. Refilled our drinks.
4. Brought Stella a balloon.
   

Even in a place where I would typically expect a waiter, this guy had done a good job. So, I decided to leave a tip. Much to my surprise, he actually followed us out of the restaurant to give back the money. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I didn’t forget the money, I left it there for you as a tip.

Him: No, I couldn’t possible.

Me: Why not? You did a good job, and clearly deserve to get a tip.

Him: Well, it’s my job.

Quite a bit different than the way things work in the US isn’t it?

Adaptation

Moving to new countries almost always involves a change in diet. Sometimes it’s deliberate, and sometimes it happens without you noticing. Recently, I have noticed that our yogurt consumption seems to have gone up by exponents. At present, we are eating about 2 kilos of yogurt every 4-5 days. Plenty of Lebanese dishes do involve a lot of yogurt, but still....

I have no idea of how this is happening. It’s not like we each chomp our way through a towering bowl of yogurt each morning, but nonetheless, it keeps getting eaten.

Mary Ann Quote

If you were a cartoon character, you would be Stitch.

Public Service Announcement

This anonymous baby (which may or may not be related to me) would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that proper lumbar support is essential to good ergonomic seating.

heh heh

A new twist on 1-900 numbers...

(click to enlarge)

Translation:

Phonesex lady: Call me! I’ll do things that even your wife doesn’t do…

Wife: You’re not really going to call!?

Man: I’m ordering the chopped roast beef with red cabbage, what do you want?

Conservative heaven

I was just contemplating several of the key values of Republican Conservatives:

1. Low Taxes, small government
   
2. As little interference by government into our lives as possible
3. Personal accounts in Social Security

This brought me around to thinking about my life as a UN employee:

1. Virtually exempt from paying taxes, practically no government services
   
2. US laws don’t apply to me
   
3. No Social Security benefits, entirely self-funded retirement
   

Hmmmm…

Scenery

As I am wandering around with a camera today, I’ve decided to give you all a behind the scenes look at some parts of my life. First, my little corner in our ivory tower outpost of the New World Order. This is where we plot to take over the national parks of the United States in our secret bid to rule the world through low-cost lumber sales.



I’d like to point out a few things not readily visible in the picture. Arrow #1 is pointing to where I have draped my sweaty t-shirt over a small set of drawers under my desk. Arrow #2 is pointing to the secret hiding spot for my sneakers. Arrow #3 is pointing to the locked case where I have stashed all the secret security devices that have been issued to us for various ‘don’t get killed’ purposes. Don’t ask what’s in there because then the security people would get cranky that I’m providing information on our countermeasures to all the terrorist spies who read my blog on a daily basis. You can’t be too careful.



This is a picture of some Middle Eastern deserts a colleague brought in for the office today.

Weird things for sale in Beirut

This has got to be the biggest Cadillac Fleetwood I have ever seen in my life.  I have no idea how this could possibly be driven in Beirut traffic.  On the other hand, if you get a flat tire, it comes with a complimentary Mini Cooper in the trunk.  Simply push a button and you’re back on your way again!

After I got back to the computer I saw that Stella got her darling little slimy fingerprints all over the camera lens, which gives the picture that funky halo effect in the middle of the frame.  Ah, the delights of parenting.

Maybe velcro is the answer

I seem to be having a bit of trouble dressing myself these days. Because I like to walk to work, I typically bring more appropriate shoes in my bag and pull a Mr. Rogers-style transformation after I arrive. Yesterday, I forgot to bring socks.

Today, just as I was leaving the house, the button popped off my pants. Mary Ann has assured me that my belt should hide this problem, but that I should check from time to time to make sure everything that needs to be zipped up still is. So far, she’s right.

Box under a bridge

My inbox has just been graced by another security warning. I have been strongly urged to avoid two specific areas. Geographically, they translate into:

#1 Where I work
#2 Where I live

That settles it! To increase the safety of my family, we will move into a cast off refrigerator box under a bridge.

Leave the pin in next time

Naturally, everyone has been a rather concerned about the expolsion this morning. However, the mood is starting to change as more details are coming out. Specifically this:

"...police investigators on the scene were later quoted as saying Alaili was toying with a hand grenade he brought into the office at midmorning when it went off in his hands. He was rushed to the American University Hospital, where he died shortly afterwards."

What an idiot. Who takes a live hand grenade to work? Sounds like someone is a candidate for a Darwin Award.

lurp

Looks like there was another bomb this morning. From the last two incidents it seems that the methodology is changing a bit. Instead of relatively deserted industrial areas, these folks are starting to switch to more heavily populated areas during busier times of day.

One more to the list

Although I am sure you will do a credible job feigning surprise, I have an announcement. Mary Ann is a better parent than I am. While you probably don’t require further proof of this fact, I do have one more piece of evidence.

Mary Ann can feed Danielle a full bottle without waking her up.

That’s right. Fully unconscious feeding. I have no idea how this is possible, but it is. I am witnessing it at this very moment. Mary Ann is one talented woman.

Another one

There was another car bomb last night in our section of the city, but not our neighborhood. We're all fine.

Does he need a hall pass?

Please, please, please let this picture of President Bush be a hoax.

Maybe it will be reincarnated as a stereo

Today my office computer was officially pronounced dead. In the meantime, I'm working on a temporary machine from the IT department. This machine is far better because it more focused on quality. For example, it helps out in several ways:

After you type a word, the computer pauses for several minutes to truly contemplate the deeper meanings of the word and how to best display it on the screen.

If you want to visit a website, the computer will provide you extra pondering time to make sure you are mentally prepared to view the page.

Print jobs are rendered in a loving, patient way, which helps the paper understand that it needs to be truly dedicated to being the best paper it can possibly be.

In the meantime, I will investigate these strange objects lined up on the other side of my office. I have been told that they are similar to archaic data storage devices know as "books" which were stored on "bookshelves".

They may also be cuneiform tablets. I've heard they have a lot of those in Beirut.

Also available in blue and blue.

In my line of work, classifying the benefits of certain activities in terms of cost effectiveness is very popular. From time to time, things come up that are difficult to express in financial terms. These folks seem to have raised some interesting points in their analysis of the Cost Effectiveness of Clothing Suicidal Inmates.

These thoughtful folks have such valuable insights as:

• Clothing prevents the need for treatment of hypothermia
• Staff gets a break from noise and demands when inmate sleeps

Last but not least:

• An opportunity for a new beginning upon awakening

Clearly, this company has the interests of their customers at heart.

The way it goes

From the New York Times:

The General Assembly vote ended three weeks of tense talks at which regional rivalries and national ambitions succeeded in scuttling attempts by a majority of nations to act in the broader United Nations interest. The continuing debate exposed in high profile the kind of indecisiveness that the document was supposed to address.

"There were governments that were not willing to make the concessions necessary," Mr. Annan said. "There were spoilers also in the group, let's be quite honest about that."

I wish more had been accomplished, but that's pretty much the way it goes in a collaborative organization. It reminds me of Winston Churchill's famous comment:

Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried.

You're welcome

Back in good ole Deutschland, the locals occasionally saw fit to speak English with me. This was not surprising, because for the first few years I was there, my German sounded much more like something you would expect to hear out of the Swedish chef on the Muppets. I was grateful that these folks had made the effort to learn English and use it with me. In these cases, I made it my habit to thank them at the end of the conversation for having spoken English with me. Yes, yes, I know it wasn't necessary – the privilege of speaking with me is its own reward. Still though, I was trying to be gracious. It's part of the package.

Anyway, so here I am tooling around Lebanon, and not speaking a whole lot of Arabic. The thing I'm wondering about is the advisability of thanking people for speaking English with me. Technically, English is one of the official languages here, so is it really something I should thank someone for? Pretty much everyone here speaks English as a second or third language, so I've come up with a ground rule:

If the person has to try hard to speak English, thank them. If they can speak English better than George Bush, let it slide.

Thus far its working pretty well.

Well, wadaya know...

I've never seen one of these before...

A LADA 4X4.

Does this count as an SUV?

Ready, Set, Go!

The first family member to respond to this post gets to pick the area code for our new phone number.

ugh

I so dearly hope that this, and this are in fact some kind of hoax.

(Safe for work in my opinion. But initial reports claim that your network admin might not agree. Better safe than sorry.)

Hidden meaning

There seems to be some confusion on my listing of diabolical vengeance choices in a recent post. For the uninitiated, I will take a brief moment to explain the nuance. The key point is that most gifts men give to women are actually terrible insults in disguise. Surprisingly, hundreds of years have gone by without women realizing the truth. This is because of the brilliant cover-up campaign we men have been waging to convince women that we are clueless simpletons who have no concept of subtlety.

I have decided that the ruse has gone on long enough. Here is a list of several common gifts and their true meaning:

Flowers: Here honey, I saw this beautiful living thing that reminded me of you, so I killed it and now you get to watch them slowly die.

Perfume: Frankly, you don't smell all that great.

Jewelry: Because you just aren't pretty enough on your own.

Chocolate: You will be unable to resist the momentary pleasure, only to find out that years of suffering through leg-lifts and wacko cactus-root diets will be unable to rid you of the unsightly cellulite that I am knowingly cursing you with.

Now you know the truth.