Hidden meaning

There seems to be some confusion on my listing of diabolical vengeance choices in a recent post. For the uninitiated, I will take a brief moment to explain the nuance. The key point is that most gifts men give to women are actually terrible insults in disguise. Surprisingly, hundreds of years have gone by without women realizing the truth. This is because of the brilliant cover-up campaign we men have been waging to convince women that we are clueless simpletons who have no concept of subtlety.

I have decided that the ruse has gone on long enough. Here is a list of several common gifts and their true meaning:

Flowers: Here honey, I saw this beautiful living thing that reminded me of you, so I killed it and now you get to watch them slowly die.

Perfume: Frankly, you don't smell all that great.

Jewelry: Because you just aren't pretty enough on your own.

Chocolate: You will be unable to resist the momentary pleasure, only to find out that years of suffering through leg-lifts and wacko cactus-root diets will be unable to rid you of the unsightly cellulite that I am knowingly cursing you with.

Now you know the truth.